Hello!

Recently I watched Evangelion with a good friend of mine. It was pretty much just as interesting as I expected to be, and just as surreal as well. Of course it unfortunately has those tendancies of old anime... Lots of weird stuff, you know what I'm talking about. To me, the most fasinating subject that the anime discusses is "The Hedgehog's Dilemma". Honestly, if I sat and thought about it enough, it could definately make me cry. I deeply relate to that fear of bonding with others. I've even grown to have a fear of talking with people generally, just because I fear leaving a social impact that would leave me as an outcast for the rest of my life. What if they think I'm weird? That perception could spread through the community until I'm essentially done for socially. Making a connection is definately a big risk, and that scares me. Of course, what The Hedgehog's Dilemma mainly discusses is the additional risks once you form a real connection. You are weak once you have taken down your walls. In order to be close, you must expose yourself.

In my mind, the hedgehog’s dilemma is a relatively simple concept that can be applied to most of humanity. It is the concept that the closer you get to another, the more potential you have to hurt each other. This is derived from the idea of two hedgehogs attempting to get close, but pricking each other instead. In order to form bonds, you must expose yourself for who you truly are. Beneath everything you are using to protect yourself from the harsh judgment of the world, this is a pure, yet sensitive version of yourself. This is what must be exposed in order to have a true and whole relationship. Yet doing this leaves you open, and weak. To be fully exposed means to have your flaws open to the world.

I find that in my case, the reason I do not get close with others is that I do not know what I am beneath my spines. I seem to have put up these shields, and forgotten what was behind them. I know I used to be high energy, friendly and willing to go out and do it. To say the least, now I am quite unsure. You can not put down your weapon if there is no one to hold up the weapon in the first place. My walls have become who I am at my core. I am an empty box, protecting the nothing that is contained inside.

There is no purpose behind my defenses, and yet I fear dropping them. People are cruel, willing to use any scrap of information to put others down. They will do anything to succeed. I hope that in the future, I can grow within my walled garden. After all, plants are known to be able to reach high, to break through concrete just to have roots. I wish to do the same. To grow a core, to break my barriers.

It's literally my username. Nuff said.